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Parasha Insights

Parasha Insights

AM I BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE?

A young Jew seeking spiritual enlightenment joined a particularly strict sect in a monastery. At his indoctrination, the head monk told him that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. However, every five years, they could speak two words. After the first five years, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The Jewish kid said, “Food bad!” and resumed his silent meditation and study. After another 5 years, the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words.

The Jew said, “Bed Hard!” Then he resumed his silent study and meditation. Another 5 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The Jew said, “I… Read More »

HOPE COMES WHEN YOU GIVE UP ON HOPE!

Bill received a hospital bill for his surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 charge for the anesthesiologist. He called the doctor’s office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked the doctor.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"That's awfully costly for just knocking someone out!"

"Not at all," replied the doctor. “I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around.”

This week’s Torah portion, Vayetzei, says that Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah. Yearning for her husband’s love, she gave her first four children names representing this hope. In the meantime, Rachel, his first and most beloved choice, was… Read More »

HOW TO SPEAK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN?

A teen approached his dad: “Pa, I have a date Saturday night... but I ran out of my allowance. Could you, you know, advance me a little bit of next week’s allowance?”

“How much?”

“Well Pa, today you take out a girl, you need $200.”

The father gave his son the cash.

“Pa,” said the son, “today you can’t take a girl on the bus or subway, and you can’t walk... can I borrow the car?”

“Sure. Take the car,” said the dad.

“Pa, just one more thing. That new sports jacket you bought is a real beauty. I'd look smashing in it. Can I wear it?”

“Sure, sure, take the sports jacket, the car, and the money.” As his son walked… Read More »

WHAT IS THE SECRET OF OUR IMMORTALITY?

Debbie, refusing to give in to looking old, bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy session before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked her husband Jerry, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, how old would you say I am?"

Looking her over carefully, Jerry replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your cheeks, 20; your hands, 15; your eyes, 30; your stature, 35."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she began to gush, when Jerry suddenly interrupted her—

"Hold on there, sweetie! I haven't added them up!"

The name of this week's Torah portion, Chayei Sarah, means the Life of Sarah. However, only the first… Read More »

I HAD SPENT SHABBAT WITH FAMILY

A Jewish couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. During the feast, the woman stood up and said: "I'd like to make a toast to myself for sticking it out with this man for 50 years. Let me tell you, our 50 years of marriage felt like 2 days!"

The crowd was very moved by her words. One man asked, "Why like two days, and not like one day?"

"The 50 years," replied the woman, "felt like two days: Tishah B'av and Yom Kippur."  (The most challenging fast days in the Jewish calendar.)

This week's Torah portion, Vayera, tells of the famine that broke out in the Land of Israel, and how Abraham and his wife Sarah headed to Egypt. As they approached Egypt, Abraham voiced his fear to his… Read More »

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