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ב"ה

Parasha Insights

ARE YOU A THINKER OR A DOER?

At a bar mitzvah, most Jewish boys don tefilin. There is even an old story about it. As the catering staff is clearing up after Benjy’s bar mitzvah party, they notice that one of the glittering gold spoons is missing – and it’s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell the hosts, Timmy and Sarah, of the disappearance.

"Can you believe it, Sarah?" says Tim, "But how can we call our Rabbi a thief? We’ll just have to keep quiet about it."

2 years later, while out buying bagels one Sunday morning, Tim finds himself next to his Rabbi.

"Timmy, I’m glad we’ve met," says Rabbi Bloom, "what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me for 2… Read More »

DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

Moses knew all along it would not be easy. That is why he tried to get out of it. Thus, when G-d summoned Moses to embark on a mission of setting his people free, he rejects the invite. The people, he says, will deem him a liar, a charlatan.

What does G-d do? He gives Moses three signs to perform for the people. First G-d tells Moses to take his staff, cast it down to the ground, and then it turns into a snake. Moses recoils but G-d says, no, grab hold of the tail of the… Read More »

DO YOU HAVE A LONG TERM VISION?

The local news station was interviewing a 90-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 90, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's… Read More »

WHAT IS THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS?

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister played poker for small stakes, once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you… Read More »

HOW TO BE A PROUD JEW IN 2020?

Mr. Goldberg is a Jewish “yente” reporter who goes off to interview the director of a home for the mentally challenged.

How do you know if someone belongs in here?

Well, we fill up a bathtub with water and we give the person a bucket, a teacup, and a spoon and we ask them to empty the bathtub.

I see says the reporter, the smart ones will use a bucket.

No, says the director the smart ones will pull out the plug, so the water can run out. Now, do you want a south-facing or north-facing room?

In this week's portion Vayigash, After orchestrating his family’s descent to Egypt, Joseph brings his father before the Egyptian king. It is, we expect, a rare historic moment, an encounter between the most powerful man in the… Read More »

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