A few years prior to the Gulf War, Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait. In the report, Barbara noted that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked approximately ten feet behind their husbands.
Barbara returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Curious about this change in tradition, Barbara approached one of the Kuwati women and asked for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," Barbara said. "What has enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines!" replied the Kuwati woman.
The first Jewish marriage recorded in the Torah is the one between Isaac and Rebecca in this parsha of Chaye Sarah. It is also the first time the Torah tells of the love between a man and a woman. “And Isaac took Rebecca, she became his wife, and he loved her.”
After creating the first man, Adam, G-d says: “therefore man should leave his father and mother and and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Yet cleaving implies primarily a physical relationship; love is an intense emotional bond. And it is mentioned first not by Adam and Eve, not even by Abraham and Sarah, but only by Isaac and Rebecca.
What is unique about the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca that is expressed in this poignant verse? Jacob loves Rachel too, the Torah tells us. But there it is before he married her.” Where by Isaac first he marries Rebecca, and only then he loved her. What is the difference?
This tale of the three marriages will be understood based on what the Talmud tells us: Abraham instituted shacharit, the morning prayer; Isaac instituted the afternoon prayer, mincha; and Jacob instituted the evening prayer, maariv.
What is the difference between these three prayers? Why do we have in Judaism three daily prayers—not one, two, or four, or even five?
Rabbi Schnuer Zalman writes: When a person awakes, he or she feels instinctively a sense of happiness and hope.
This was Abraham: He embodied the morning of Judaism, bringing the dawn of a new era to earth.
Evening is a time of rest and relaxation at the culmination of a long day. It is a time when we are free to spend our time as we really want. The kingdom of night is full of mystique and drama. Some people love morning; others come alive at night. Jacob was a man of night. He was the master of the “maariv” energy. Jacobs dream of a ladder ascending to heaven and angels ascending and ascending upon it. Jacob’s life was characterized by the drama, romance, darkness, and turbulence of night.
Morning and evening are conducive for prayer. Morning and night are spiritual in nature.
But then you got the afternoons.
Afternoon is smack in the middle of the headache and aggravation that is our jobs.
Where is the spiritual heartbeat of the afternoons?
That is the “Isaac” of Jewish life.
Unlike his father Abraham, he did not wage and win wars, he did not travel extensively. Nor did his life contain the drama of Jacob: he did not escape his brother, he did not fight in middle of the night, he did not lose his son to a wild animal only to discover that his son became the Prime Minister of the Superpower of the time.
Isaac lived in one location, and he never even left Israel. He lived a simple life. The only thing the Torah really tells us about his personal life is that he was almost sacrificed on Mt. Moriah. After that? He basically grew wheat and dug wells.
But if Isaac’s life lacks the excitement of Abraham and Jacob, Isaac represents the essence and foundation of Judaism: The daily consistent and unwavering commitment to G-d and His work.
Isaac is the founder of the “mincha” of Judaism.
Marriage, too, has these three components: the morning, the night and the dusk.
When we meet our soul mate, we are overtaken by the experience. We are excited, inspired, full of hope of what our future will be together. This is the “Abraham” of marriage, the “shacharit” of a relationship.
Marriage has also those special moments of moonlight and romance. The passion and drama that comes with the mystery of discovering the untold layers of depth in our spouses. This is the “maariv,” the Jacob of marriage.
But then there is the “mincha” of marriage—the simple, non-dramatic, commitment to each other. Holding hands together in the difficult times, as well in lovely times; in times of agreement and unity, and in times of disagreement and struggle.
This love can never be experiences before marriage, only afterward. This was Isaac’s love. It’s the “mincha” love.
That is why the Torah states: First Isaac marries her, and only then does he come to love her. The more they were married, the more Isaac loved her.
The love becomes like a deep well dug in the depths of the earth.
The first Jewish marriage described in Torah is the one of Isaac and Rebecca to teach us one of the most important principles in marriage: it cannot happen only as a result of passion and romance, for this can easily fade away; but rather as a result of good judgment and sound reason, an appreciation of the inner, enduring qualities and values of the other person.
Our culture knows how to pray “shacharit” and “maariv.” We need the discover the secret of “mincha.”
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yoseph Geisinsky