Parasha Insights

Iranian president calls Trump and tells him, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the beautiful country, and on each house, I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Trump asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Trump says, "You know, Mahmud, I am happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks. Trump replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Iran is in the news again, just as it was 2300 years ago, in the days of Purim. Then his name was Haman; today his n… Read More »

Tony comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. Joe, the border guard, stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Tony.

Joe says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." He takes the bags apart and empties them, finding nothing but sand in them. He detains Tony overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that the bags contain pure sand.

Joe releases Tony, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. Joe asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Tony.

Joe conducts a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain… Read More »

After his wife died, an old Jew received a parrot from his sons to keep him company. After a while, he discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so often that it had learned to say the prayers. The old man was so thrilled that he decided to take his parrot to the synagogue on the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah.

The rabbi protested when he entered with the bird, but when told the parrot could pray, the rabbi, though still skeptical, showed interest. People started betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took bets that eventually totaled $50,000.

The prayers began, but the bird was silent. As the prayers continued, the bird was silent. When the prayers ended, the old man was crestfallen and $50,000 in debt.

… Read More »

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, wrote a story about gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years ago before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.… Read More »

The Torah's portion for this week, Beshalach, describes the splitting of the sea: "And the Israelites went into the sea on dry ground, the waters forming a wall for them on their right and their left."

But later, after the miracle has concluded, as the Jewish people sing the “song of the sea,” they state:

For the horses of Pharaoh, with his chariots and horsemen, went into the sea; and G-d turned back on them the waters of the sea, but the Israelites marched on dry ground amid the sea.

The way the miracle is described as it happened and the way the Jews sang about it differs subtly but significantly. The first time around, they “went into the sea, on dry ground.” In the song afterward, they describe the … Read More »

After a performance a cantor, trying to impress, tells the crowd that his voice is insured with Lloyds of London for 1 million dollars. A voice from the back of the room says, "so what did you do with the money?"

It is a fascinating law, deduced from this week’s Torah portion.  The Torah states:

The Passover offering shall be eaten in one house: nor shall you break a bone of it.

The Passover offering meal must assume a permanent quality—how a royal eats his or her meal. He does not run around with a sandwich in his or her hand; that’s how slaves eat. A king or queen sits in one fixed place, relaxed and composed, and enjoys the feast. They do not begin the meal in one place and continue it in another … Read More »

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy leaving the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Yeche… Read More »

The local news station interviewed a 90-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked about her life, what it felt like to be married again at 90, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 70s, and now - in he… Read More »

My daughter called to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian’s last name was, and I explained that he had not left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I did not know. 

“There are 1500 employees in this building, ma’am,” she advised me curtly. “You must tell me a last name.” 

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. 

“Danielle,” she said. 

“And your last name?” I asked. 

“Sorry,” she replied, “we don’t give out last names.” 

As Jacob's demise approaches, our portion Vayechi relates, he sent for his son, Joseph, the Prime Minister of Egypt, and requested… Read More »

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.

After the visit, the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."

"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand y… Read More »

Rabbi Cohen answers the phone. "Hello, is this Rabbi Sam Cohen?" "It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."

"Do you know a Frank Schwartz?" 
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $100,000,000 to the synagogue?" "He will."

The story is riveting. Joseph, sold by his brothers into slavery, is languishing in an Egyptian prison pit, where he interprets the dreams of Pharaoh’s butler and baker. Two years later, Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, had two dreams. In the first, Pharaoh sees himself standing over the Nile River, and behold, seven cows, handsome and fat of flesh, came up out of the… Read More »

Today Friday, December 20th, is Yud Tet Kislev the nineteenth of Kislev marks The Rosh Hashana of Chasidut, and the day when the light and life of the depths of our souls was given to us, and a Chag hachagim on the release of the first Chabad Rebbe, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, from Russian prison 225 years ago. He had been imprisoned by the Russian Tzar who disliked the Jewish people and blamed the Rebbe for his constant financial support for the Jewish community in Israel (punishment for supporting Israel is nothing new!), which was then under part of the Ottoman Empire (who were considered enemies of Russia). He sat in a Russian jail for 53 days; his liberation was a celebration for the entire Jewish people and the teaching of the … Read More »

A Jew ends up sleeping in the same train compartment as a general of the Russian army. He tells the conductor to wake him up at 4 a.m. so he can get off at his stop. He is awakened at the proper time, yet in the dark, he mistakenly puts on the general's clothes instead of his own.

When he gets home, his wife asks him if everything is all right. He looks in the mirror and answers, "It seems like the conductor woke up the general instead of me."

The episode in this week’s portion, Vayishlach, in which the Jewish people acquire its eternal name, Israel, is among the most mysterious in the entire Torah. Yet if we fail to grasp this enigmatic story, we cannot understand who we are and what our name, calling, and destiny are.

T… Read More »