Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwiches.
This week's Torah reading, Shoftim, commands us to appoint judges and police in the Land of Israel. As in any civil society, we need judges to tell us what the law is, and we also need police to ensure law and order are enforced.
Yet there is an interesting contrast.
The prophet Isaiah when predicting the future changes the language of the verse:
I will restore your magistrates as of old, And your counselors as of yore. After that… Read More »
Parasha Insights
CAN WE DEFUND THE POLICE?
DO YOU LIKE IT ROUND OR SQUARE?
A Man went to heaven. As he stood in front of heaven’s throne, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
The angel answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. People tell lies often. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
"That's the clock of the Chafetz Chaim. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
The angel responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice… Read More »
WILL YOU HARVEST IN JOY?
A Taxi was ordered by a Rabbi for Yom Kippur night to take his wife and him to the hospital for a new baby.
The rabbi requested that they send a driver who is not Jewish.
They enter the cab and hear over the radio the dispatcher saying to the driver: “Did you pick up those anti-Semites already?”
It is a strange Talmudic statement:
The Sages said: Every generation in which the Holy Temple, is not rebuilt in its days, is considered as if it was destroyed in its days.
What is the meaning of this? Is this fair to say, that a generation that did not see the rebuilding of the Holy Temple is virtually responsible for its destruction?
It seems discouraging to tell us, that all the previous generations, filled with so much… Read More »
CAN WE EVER SURRENDER?
Two Jews were standing and talking on a Moscow Street. One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Moscow at the time. When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry and then proceeded to run from the officer.
The officer began to chase him. When he finally caught up, the officer asked him to show his documents, which he did. The officer asked him, "Why did you run away from me when you have the right documents?"
"My doctor told me to run one mile each day," responded the Jew.
"But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you," asked the officer.
"I thought your doctor told you the same," said… Read More »
WHAT ARE THE LIFE ALTERING WORDS AT EVERY CHUPPAH?
Jewish trivia question: Under each Jewish chuppah, the groom utters the nine life-altering words of the marriage declaration, as he places a ring on the finger of his bride: "Behold you are consecrated to me, with this ring, according to the Law of Moses and Israel."
Giving a ring to the bride for the sake of marriage is essential to the halachik process of entering a marriage. But why does the groom add these words: “according to the law of Moses and Israel?” Every mitzvah we do is “according to the law of Moses and Israel.” Why don’t we say this before we eat the matzah, blow the shofar, don tefillin, or affix a mezuzah on our door?
Better yet, we should have said “According to the laws of… Read More »
A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS
It is one of the stranger stories in the Talmud: A harp was hanging above King David's bed. As soon as midnight arrived, a North wind came and blew upon it, and it played of itself. He arose immediately and studied the Torah till the break of dawn. After the break of dawn, the wise men of Israel came in to see King David and said to him: Our master, the King, Israel your people require sustenance! They need to live! He said to them: Let them go out and make a living one from the other.
They said to him: A handful cannot satisfy a lion, nor can a pit when un dug is filled up with its own clods of earth. David said to them: Then go out in troops and attack the enemy for plunder.
This serene, perhaps mystical, scene is rudely intruded… Read More »
WHAT IS THE SECRET OF TRUE STABILITY?
There was once a jungle in which one lion thought himself a king. Every day he got up, went over to the chipmunk, pinned him to the ground, and asked, "Who's the toughest animal in the jungle?"
To which the chipmunk, in a meek little voice, always replied, "You are!"
Then the lion would find the bird. He would grab the bird, pin him to the ground and ask, "Who's the toughest animal in the jungle?"
"You are," the poor frightened bird would reply.
This went on each day, all morning. The lion would go to every other animal, pin them to the ground and ask his question. Finally, one day, he came up to the elephant. Grabbing him by the leg, the lion squeezed it and asked, "Who's the toughest beast… Read More »
The Priestly Blessings
Izzy owned a small deli in Stamford Hill, in London. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Izzy had reported a net profit of $250.000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it. "It’s like this," said Izzy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family helps me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five days a year. That’s how I made $250,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of $80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made 28 business trips to Israel, Italy, Switzerland, France, the US, Hawaii, and the Caribbean… Read More »
ARE YOU COMING TO THE ROYAL WEDDING?
Mr. Goldberg bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.”
For three months, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $200.’
The next day someone stole it.
The Baal Shem Tov, once said that everything you see or hear is a lesson in life.
What happened on the holiday of Shavuot, teaches us in the Talmud that day is the celebration of a royal wedding—The day of the giving of the Torah is described as… Read More »
CAN YOU VIOLATE A MITZVAH?
The Soviet census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
It is certainly a strange phenomenon. There is no other sage in the history of Judaism that has all the Jewish people celebrating on the day that he passed away. Not Moses, not Abraham, not Aaron, Joshua, King David, or Elijah. None of them. With one exception: Reb Shimon ben Yochai. His yartzeit, Lag Baomer, has become one of the great days of joy… Read More »
CAN YOU FORGIVE AND FORGET?
Once, on Yom Kippur, a Rabbi spoke about forgiveness.
After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he lectured the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question.
All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Cohen, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"That is very unusual. How old are you?"
DO YOU BELIEVE OR DO YOU TRUST?
Last Pesach, an Orthodox friend of mine, Shmuly, was at a business meeting during the middle days of the holiday. When lunchtime came, his colleagues went out to local restaurants, but Shmuly remained at the conference table and took out his matzah and hard-boiled egg. As he unwrapped it, another colleague joined him and unwrapped his lunch too. It was ham and cheese—on matzah.
The colleague looked at Shmuly with a relieved smile and said:
“Boy, I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's hard to explain Passover, isn't it?” Well, today I want to explain the name of the holiday.
On the seventh day of Passover, we are reading in the Torah about what happened on that day thirty-three hundred years ago the splitting of the Red… Read More »
TODAY IS A GIFT
They tell this story about Winston Churchill. As Savior of the free world, he felt himself entitled to grab a little shuteye (nap) in the House of Commons. When a fellow Parliament member approached him and said, “Must you fall asleep when I am speaking?”
Churchill answered, “No, it is purely voluntary.”
The Rambam rules in his laws of Tefillah:
When Rosh Chodesh Nisan falls on Shabbat, three Torah scrolls are used. The weekly Torah portion is read from the first, the reading of Rosh Chodesh from the second, and Parshat HaChodesh from the third.
Thus, this Shabbat is one of those extremely rare occasions when we take out three Torah Scrolls, since we read three distinct portions—Tazria, Pinchas and Bo.
We… Read More »
HOW DO YOU MAKE A TRANSITION?
A car mechanic is called in after every other mechanic failed. He listens to the engine for a few minutes, then hauls off and gives it a big swift kick in a certain strategic spot. Lo and behold, the engine starts humming like a kitten. The mechanic turns around, gives the car owner his bill for $900. The owner of the vehicle is flabbergasted and demands an itemized breakdown AND EXPLANATION.
The bill says...
“$10 for my time, and $890 for my expertise where to kick.”
It is an interesting Talmudic story.
Salome Alexandra, also known as Shlomtzion, was the queen of Judea, 150 years before the destruction of Judea and the Temple by the Romans.… Read More »
WHY SHUSHAN PURIM?
A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.
So, she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
"Oh, my gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?"
Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a cocker spaniel. They're common dogs.
There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same… Read More »