Parasha Insights

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
 

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we wil… Read More »

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payes a kaftan (a long black coat), and shtreimel (the traditional fur hat worn by Chassidic Jews), and walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?" The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There are thousands of them.

This week’s Torah portion Cahyei Sarah tells the story of how Abraham has sent his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac.

Eliezer goes to the city of Charan where Abraham's family remained while he went on to the land of Canaan. Arriving at the town's well, he proposes a test: the woman who comes to draw water, offers some to the traveler, and in addition, gives water to his camels will be the one chosen by… Read More »

An older man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The old man went back in a month and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be pleased that you can hear again.” The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

The story is almost complete, Abraham struggled—mighty and heavily, he has no children and no future. Ideologically too he is all alone. But G-d promises him that it will all change. He will have a child; who will inherit the land of Kanaan and become a blessing … Read More »

An old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day, a young, well-dressed man would leave his office building at lunchtime, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but he never took a pretzel.

This went on for more than seven years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are an excellent customer, but I must tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 50 cents."

We are all confronted by the ongoing question: Why the resistance? Why is life not easy? Why do I always have another hurdle, inside or outside, to overcome? When does… Read More »

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco, Texas.

When the trooper asked why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler on his way to Austin, Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and had nothing to juggle. The trooper said he had torches in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 torches, lit them, and handed them to him.

While the man was on the side of the highway and juggling, a car pulled i… Read More »

At the airport, Yankel asked the woman at the check-in counter if he could have one bag delivered to Los Angeles, the second suitcase to London, and the third to Tev Aviv.

No way, she said. That’s against policy.

Please, I need this to happen, Yankel says.

“Not, this is a ridiculous request! How do you even entertain such an absurd idea?”

“Well,” Yankel says, “last time you did it without me asking…”
Should we dance on this Simchat Torah, one year since the horrific massacre of complete Jewish communities, one that plunged a country and a nation into a year of untold grief, sorrow, and pain?

It is a powerful question. But we ought to remember this: Hamas attacked the Jewish people on Si… Read More »

Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7 am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and came here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist responded, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that breakfast for a growing boy?"

It was a glorious sight to behold.

For as long as the Holy Temple in Jerusalem stood, every year during the festival of Sukkot, the celebration accompanying one ritual would bring raucous celebration to the entire c… Read More »

This evening Yom Kippur begins with Kol Nidre expressing our fear that the lofty resolutions we might make during the High Holidays often have no substance 

 “Our vows are no vows; our oaths, no oaths.”

But to not follow through on those resolutions is a problem: it is only by taking seriously our obligations to others and to G-d that we grow. But what if there were something we could do that would dramatically improve the odds that we would follow through on our vows? Well, guess what? There is.

Ingenious researchers at Stanford designed a simple but elegant study that examined why some college students donated to a canned food drive for charity and some didn’t. Going in, the researchers knew that some studen… Read More »

Berkowitz and Rabinowitz were business partners, and both were avid golfers.

"Rabinowitz, listen up, "exclaimed an excited Berkowitz. "Those buyers we have been schmoozing up called to say they got a reservation for us to meet them for golf at their exclusive country club this Saturday at 8 A.M."

"Sorry, replied Rabinowitz, I can't go. It's Shabbos and I will be in shul."

"Shul, shmool, what are you talking about?  This is a BIG deal!  And, anyway, YOU in shul?  Since when? As long as I've known you you've been an atheist.  When we were kids, you were a communist."

"That was all before Goldstein came to town. Do you remember when he came as a refugee without a penny in his… Read More »

At a Bar, a NUN stands and preaches to all who would listen: Drinking is Bad. Man: Have you tried it?
Nun: No, never.
Man: Ok, you try once, if you don't like it, I'll give up Drinking.

Nun: Ok, but bring it in Teacup, I don't want people seeing me drinking. Man goes to the bartender and says: Give me two Shots of Rum in Tea-Cups. Bartender: Is that NUN here again again?

A Jewish man passing through Texas for a few days' stay on business checked into a rooming house in a very frontier town. Not to be conspicuous, he dressed in Western attire and went into the only saloon in the city. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six-shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a beer. While sipping his beer and trying to be as inco… Read More »

Mrs. Greenberg was teaching her first-grade class about saying blessings and praying.

"For example, children,” said Mrs. Greenberg “Before we go to sleep, we should sing shema.

“Who here says their prayers at night?"

Little Chaim answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said Mrs. Greenberg, "And what does your mother say?"

Chaim replied, "THANK G-D, HE'S IN BED!

During the month of the holidays, we recite a special prayer, Psalm 27, by King David twice daily. In it, we say:

It is the poignant, powerful, and deeply spiritual request of King David: One thing I ask of you Hashem, one thing that I yearn for: that I may sit or live in the house of G-d all the days of my … Read More »

“How is your marriage?” Someone once asked a woman. Her response: “Before I got married, I was incomplete. Now, that I married, I am finished.”

Something is perplexing concerning the laws of marriage, articulated in the weekly Torah portion Ki Tezei.  

Biblical law is often ambiguous and riddle-like. Thus, when Moses presented the Torah to the Jewish people, he gave them an oral interpretation, clarifying and elucidating the meaning of the Bible. This oral tradition has been documented in the Mishnah and the Talmud.

Marriage is one of those issues where the Biblical law is unclear and requires interpretation. The Torah speaks in this portion, of “a man marrying a woman,”

but does not specify… Read More »

In a Liberal temple in Toronto there once was a president of the community who was a nice man but Jewishly, well, he was ritually-challenged. On Rosh HaShanah the gabbai offered him an aliyah; panicked, he said "No no no! I can't read Hebrew, I'll embarrass myself."

The gabbai said: "You HAVE to take some honor, you're the president!"

"Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"

The Gabbai thought for a minute and suggested "How about glila?"

"What's glila?" said the president.

"Simple," replied the gabbai, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted, and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down."

Relieved, the presi… Read More »