CAN YOU BE LOYAL AND SELFISH AT THE SAME TIME?

A man once a college student in a very prestigious school was asked what he was majoring in.

He replied: “Decision making.”

The man was intrigued. “Really, there is a whole department in university on the science and psychology of decision-making? Wow. And what will you do with a degree in decision-making?”

He replied, “I haven’t yet decided.”

The biblical debut of the favorite matchmaking is recorded in this week’s portion, Chayei Sarah. Isaac is 40 years old, he needs to get married and so Abraham sends his faithful servant Eliezer on a search. Unlike modern-day matchmaking in which people are profiled based on vital issues like political alliances, music, and wine, Abraham gives Eliezer just one requirement: “Swear to me by the G-d in Heaven that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of Canaan. Only go to my land, the place of my birth, and find a wife for my son, for Isaac.”

Eliezer obediently travels to the city of Haran, Abraham’s hometown, arriving at the town's well, he turns to G-d and proposes a test: the girl who comes to the well to draw water for herself, yet upon seeing him will agree to share her water with him and all ten of his camels, this will constitute as a sign that she is the right match for Isaac.

As soon as Eliezer finishes talking to G-d, a young beautiful girl by the name of Rebecca arrives at the well and meets Eliezer’s criteria, drawing water for both Eliezer and his camels. She invites him home and introduces him to her father, Betuel. The family is ambivalent, but Rebeca insists she wants the marriage. The deal is sealed. Rebecca travels to the Holy Land and marries Isaac. The rest is history.
The question that’s screaming for an answer is the shocking length at which Eliezer’s story is recorded in the Torah 67 verses are allotted to the story—in a book that often covers major events in a few verses. The giving of the Torah at Sinai is recorded in far fewer verses!
What is even more perplexing than the length of the story is that half of it is pure repetition!

You see, Eliezer had a daughter of his own, and his greatest dream was that Isaac would be his own son-in-law. Eliezer broached the idea to Abraham who adamantly refused his request. Abraham insisted that Isaac marry only a member of his own family and not a local of Canaan. Yet, Eliezer still harbored in the back of his mind the faint glimmer of a far-fetched hope, maybe Abraham will acquiesce. 

How do we know this? Where in the story does Eliezer ever voice this dream of his? It is when Eliezer recounts his story to Betuel, Rebecca’s father. Eliezer recalls his discussion with Abraham: “And I said to my master, 'Perhaps the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land?"

Rabbi Avraham Ibn Ezra notes this often means: Hope I can get rid of you and get off the hook! Eliezer's “perhaps,” or "what if" was an expression of the fact that, with half his mind, he wanted the mission to fail. That would once again place his daughter in a position to be Abraham's heir.
The Sefat Emet unravels to us that Eliezer was experiencing in his psyche a truly deep conflict. On the one hand, he was unconditionally devoted to Abraham. As Abraham stood against the entire pagan civilization, Eliezer became his chief pupil committed to his heart and soul. When Abraham fought the four great superpowers to save his wayward nephew, Lot, only Eliezer fought with him and had complete devotion to Abraham, and Abraham had absolute trust in him he was also Abraham’s greatest disciple and helped transmit Abraham’s message to the world. He truly and sincerely wanted to fulfill the request of his master Abraham and succeed in finding Isaac a wife in Haran. He yearned to complete his mission, knowing that this was the climax of his years of service to Abraham: ensuring continuity.

But on the other hand, he was still a human being who had his own agendas. He understood the great opportunity of marrying Isaac and he wanted his daughter to mother the Jewish nation…Can you blame him?
Is this not true for many of us? I tell myself that I want to really get married. I have been dating for so many years, so many people, and nothing ever works. I want to have a better relationship with my spouse, with my children, with my siblings, with my parents, I tried many things, but it did not work. I want to become better at Time Management, to be organized, and on top of my emails.

Very often, all of these good and noble and sincere ambitions cannot materialize because inside of us we have lurked a desire—or some form of inclination—that does not want or is afraid of pursuing this goal, and since we are unconscious of it, it undermines and poisons the fruition of our dreams.

How did Eliezer resolve the issue? And how can we?

It is for this reason that the Torah has to repeat the entire story of Eliezer’s journey and encounter with Rebecca. First, we read how Abraham sent Eliezer on a mission and how Eliezer met Rebecca at the well. Then the Torah repeats the entire story once more—as Eliezer is recounting the entire narrative to Rebecca’s father, Betuel. This is not a simple repetition; rather, it was during Eliezer repeating the story, that he suddenly becomes aware of his hidden agenda. And when he became aware of it, the problem dissipated.

Because often in life, the key to the problem is not the problem but your lack of awareness of the problem.

How do you begin to heal? By identifying your thought patterns. Next time your wife criticizes you and your heart goes ballistic, stop, take a deep breath, and examine the thought patterns in your head. You might realize that your anger was not generated by your wife’s words perse, but rather by your unconscious impoverished self-image. And when you identify that, realizing that these tense emotions are coming from a poor self-image, you can quarantine them in their place, and tell them, “Hey, I know you are being fed by my image that I am a nobody, but that is an imposed image, for my essential self is wholesome, good and Divine.”

This is the rule in life. As long as you are aware of your ulterior motives, or your fears, or your inner destructive voices, as long as you identify them “by their name,” you can control them. Just like in medicine, if you have a diagnosis of the illness, there is hope for recovery. But when they linger in your unconscious they yield a powerful influence on your life without the ability for you to quarantine them.
Eliezer too did not realize and identify the conflict raging in his heart. In his conscious mind, he was doing everything in his capability to finish the job and succeed in his mission. He was in denial of his own inner agenda. He wanted the mission to fail but he could not do anything to control that desire because he was unaware of it!

But then something transpires during his retelling the story to Betuel. When he retells, reanalyzes, and relives the story he realizes that he has his own personal agenda. Once he was able to acutely identify his deep desire, was he able to quarantine it and put it aside. 

That is why the Torah retells Eliezer’s story in excruciating detail, because in the repetition—a whole new story is emerging: the story of the unconscious. It is the story of a servant who is unconditionally loyal and selfish, a servant who possesses an existential duality, yet ultimately remains loyal to his master Abraham.

Abraham himself was a tzaddik—his conscious and unconscious were harmonized.  It was Eliezer, the servant of Abraham, the man who dedicated his life to Abraham yet still struggles internally, who symbolizes this great truth about the ordinary man: that our problem is not that we have problems, it is that we are unaware of them.

Amazingly, the Torah does not even mention Eliezer's name once during the entire narrative! For he is a completely dedicated servant, without the need to make a “name” for himself. The message is that a true servant—a true servant of G-d—is not someone who convinces himself that every whim and wish he has is what his master wants and he retains no personal agendas. On the contrary, a servant of G-d is someone who can recognize his fears, inhibitions, negative inclinations, destructive voices, insecure feelings, personal agendas, and nevertheless faithfully carry out his mission, just like Eliezer. Awareness is the genesis of all healing.

Let me share with you a story.

Dariush Massachi — an unassuming Persian Jew — was born in Shiraz in 1926. At the time, Shiraz had a strong Jewish community and Jews enjoyed economic and religious freedom.

In 1951, Dariush was introduced to Pari Zahabian, his future wife. Pari came from a family of goldsmiths. In fact, her last name, Zahabian, meant goldsmith. And although she was only 15, her parents were interested in finding her a frum and stable husband — and Dariush fit the mold.
They married and over the next 20 years were blessed with eight children. Dariush worked hard as a goldsmith and with the help of Hashem was able to provide for his family.

Everything changed with the Islamic Revolution in 1979.
As he spoke only Farsi and was trained only as a goldsmith, Dariush was hesitant to move his family from Shiraz. But finally, in the early 1990s, Dariush realized that there was no future for his family in Iran. The ability to freely practice Judaism was worth more than all the gold in the world to Dariush.

So in early 1991, Dariush liquidated all of his assets. And then, in the total darkness of a moonless night, Dariush and his family climbed into an unmarked station wagon and, after paying off many officials, crossed the border into Turkey and from there made their way to the United States. They settled in New Jersey and went about raising a Torah family.
Dariush was 65 years old when he fled Iran. In America, he spent a good part of his day learning Torah and he was thrilled to be able to guarantee his children an authentic Jewish life. Pari mastered English and eventually became a medical assistant.

A few months ago, in April 2017, Dariush, already past his 91st birthday, was required to undergo a serious medical procedure in the hospital.
Due to his age, the procedure required full anesthesia, and the family was worried about their revered husband, father, grandfather, and great-grandfather.

On the day of the procedure, the family sat in the waiting room saying Tehillim. More remarkably, without ever discussing it with each other or with Dariush, every single one of them — including 81-year-old Pari — independently decided to fast and pray until they knew all was well.
The procedure began early in the morning. Finally, in the afternoon, Dariush was wheeled out of the OR and into recovery. As soon as he woke up, Dariush attempted to communicate with the nurse.

In his semiconscious state, and with his broken English, the nurse was having trouble understanding him.

Listening carefully, she heard him say, “Lunch… I need lunch.”
The nurse could not understand why this man who had just undergone a procedure and was still groggy would be thinking of lunch; wouldn’t he want to see his family first?

“I’m sorry, Mr. Massachi, but you are not permitted to eat for another six hours.” Again Dariush insisted, “Lunch, please, bring me lunch.”
As the nurse began to explain again, Dariush noticed his wife had entered the recovery room.

“Lunch, please bring my wife lunch… she has not eaten the whole day…”
“How do you know your wife hasn’t eaten?”

Dariush looked at his wife before answering the nurse’s question, and he thought about the almost 70 years they’d lived together and all the hardships endured together.

Then he quietly responded, “When you have loved and lived with someone as long as I have, you just know… words are no longer needed. She has not eaten. Please bring her lunch.”

As Pari gazed at her husband, the nurse went to get lunch.
Dariush was right. No more words were needed.

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Yoseph Geisinsky