JUST LOVE THEM

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

Moses opens his final sermon in this week’s portion Devarim by rebuking the Jews but in a hinted way.

But if you are going to rebuke someone for some negative thing they have done, would you hint at it and hope they pick up on your clues? Of course not. You must be explicit!

 A veiled rebuke is no rebuke. If Moses was sensitive to the honor of the Jewish people, then don’t say anything!

And then there’s the timing. Why wait all these years to rebuke the people for their past misdeeds, some of them a full forty years in the past? Why wait until the very end of his life, for his final speech, to scold them?

Rashi explains that Moses learned from Jacob who rebuked Reuven only before his own passing. Jacob said, “Reuben, my son, I will tell you why I have not reproved you during all these years: So that you would not leave me and attach yourself to my brother, Esau.”

Wow. That is intense. Reuven was so sensitive that a justifiable rebuke from his

father would so severely affect him to the point that he would defect from his

family and join the man who wanted to kill his father, Esau! Would he leave

everything behind, his family, his faith, if his father had admonished him for interfering with his private, marital preferences?

A Story.  Rabbi Sholom B. Gordon began his decades-long career as a Rabbi in 1949 at an orthodox Shul in Newark. It was full of Jewish life, but there was very little Jewish observance going on, very few people observed Shabbat, ate kosher, or sent their children to Jewish schools.

What does a young Orthodox rabbi do when his congregation is not aligned with the Torah’s expectations? He gets up and tells them to change their ways. On his first few Shabbats, Rabbi Gordon would deliver a sermon and chastise his listeners to stop driving on Shabbat, to stop frequenting non-Kosher establishments, and to send their kids to Jewish schools.

A couple of weeks went by, and the President paid the young Rabbi a visit. “This will not do,” he said. “You cannot start criticizing the congregation, this is America. You must get up and compliment them, tell them they're good Jews. If not, you’ll be out of a job quickly.”

The young rabbi was confused, what was he supposed to do? If he says what’s on his mind, he’ll be shown the door, and if he doesn’t, he’ll be betraying his responsibility!

Rabbi Gordon took his dilemma to the Previous Rebbe.

Rabbi Gordon recalls that the Rebbe looked at him and asked, “Have you ever been in a sauna?”

Back then the sauna was a holy gathering place.

Young rabbi Gordon said yes, I’ve been to the sauna.

“And what happens there?”

So, Rabbi Gordon told the Rebbe all about the sauna. It’s boiling hot, you remove your clothes and sit on the bench. As you get acclimated to the heat you go to a higher bench where the heat is yet more intense. And you climb from bench to bench, luxuriating in the heat, while the high temperature expands your blood vessels, which helps improve circulation and lowers blood pressure.

“And when you are at the highest bench, is there an attendant,” the Rebbe asked. “Yes, at the top when your body is red from heat, there’s an attendant with a broom who stands and strikes your back with a rough broom.”

“And what do the people say? They ask for more and more.”

The Rebbe then posed a rhetorical question: “If the attendant went and hit a person in the street with his broom, what would happen?” Rabbi Gordon was silent.

“He would call the police or retaliate. But when you first warm him up and elevate him higher and higher, warmer and warmer, and then you smite him, he’ll ask for more and more.”

“If you get up in Shul and chastise the people, they’ll throw you out. You must transform your Shul into a sauna, into a place burning with G-dly fire. You need to lift them up, higher and set their souls ablaze with spiritual heat. And then, when you start communicating authentic words, challenging them to grow and to transform, not only will they not throw you out, but they will also beg for more.”

Rabbi Gordon related that after this, he never needed another piece of advice in his life as a rabbi. 

This is what Jacob wanted to convey to Reuven. Jacob waited fifty-odd years, until the very last moment, before rebuking him because he was concerned about how he would take it.

Reuven did not hear criticism, he felt love. He felt that his father had fundamental respect for him and that he wanted to be close to him. Now, he would never leave his family and his father’s legacy to join Esau.

Rabbi Dovid Trenk was a teacher and spiritual mentor in a Yeshiva in Adelphia, New Jersey. This was an Orthodox institution with a strong student body, but like any Yeshiva, there were plenty of boys who didn’t fit in, who struggled with Talmudic studies or religious observance, and Rabbi Trenk was legendary for reaching these boys with patience, optimism, and love. There is a biography about him titled, “Just Love Them,” and I want to share with you an amazing story.

The yeshiva had a rule, reasonable enough, that smoking was not permitted in the dorm. One day, Rabbi Trenk was walking through the dorm, and he thought he smelled something, so he entered the room and, surprise, there was a young man smoking a cigarette. The boy looked up at Rabbi Trenk and, what was there to say? He was caught red-handed.

Rabbi Trenk said, “You know what. You did something wrong; you are smoking. But I also did something wrong. I came into your room without knocking first and asking permission. So how about this? Let’s both do teshuva. I am going to leave the room and knock before coming in, and you will make sure not to be smoking. And they did just that. Rabbi Trenk left, knocked, and entered, and the boy had no cigarette.  A miracle.!

And that is how one man conveyed his message and made sure it was heard, while still maintaining connection. He preserved the dignity of the boy while gently reprimanding him.  Story 2: There was a certain student who was frustrated with his time in Yeshiva. He was looking for a way out, to be expelled if necessary. One Friday night, the boy stole Rabbi Trenk’s car keys, and pulled out from the Yeshiva parking lot, on Shabbat itself. Another wayward student asked where he was going. “The theater.” “Take me with you, or I will tell the Rabbi.”

“I don’t care,” answered the car thief, “I want to be thrown out, tell him.”

After the Friday night meal, Rabbi Trenk put on his coat and walked to the theater. He approached the booth and told the attendant that he didn’t want to see the movie, he just had to speak to someone inside. They let him in.

Rabbi Trenk found his student, walked over and sat right behind him. The student turned around in complete shock. Sweating and red with embarrassment, he asked Rabbi Trenk what he was doing there. “I just wanted to let you know that the popcorn here isn’t kosher,” he said. “So as you enjoy your stay here, please try to stay away from the popcorn.” And he walked out.

He began walking home, and a few minutes later, his student emerged. Without mentioning a word, he walked back to the Yeshiva with the boy, speaking lightly and joking about this and that.

When they reached the Yeshiva, Rabbi Trenk embraced the boy and never mentioned another word about what had occurred.

The boy testified that not only did he remain in the Yeshiva, but he also never desecrated the Shabbat again.

Now Moses stands 40 years later, and he, too, prepares to rebuke his people. Who does he look to, who is his model for how to inspire change? Jacob.

From Jacob, he learned that the foundation and texture of the rebuke must be love and compassion.

The entire opening of Devarim is words of rebuke. But because of Moses’ deep respect for his people, he veils his critique.  Moses said to the Jews what he needed to say. But in Moses’s words, the people did not hear an ounce of criticism and distance, disappointment, or anger. They only heard love!  

This Thursday is the 9th of Av. The fast day commemorates the most tragic day on the Jewish calendar.

This is a period that, by its very existence, rebukes the Jewish people. It reminds us of the destruction of both Holy Temples in Jerusalem, “due to our sins.”

Needless hatred among Jews, the sages say, destroyed the Second Temple.

And so, this time of year implicitly criticizes us for our individual and communal shortcomings.

But as we begin the book of Devarim, and we open to a scene of rebuke, we are immediately reminded that the truth of these days is love, not just rebuke.

The love never departs, it is always there, and blatantly so. All the rebuke is only to bring out the best within each Jew. In the honor and dignity of the Jewish people, May Hashem rebuild the Third and everlasting Beit Hamikdash. May it be now.

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Yoseph Geisinsky