It is funny, but it raises a serious question.
Why do compliments make us feel so good, while criticism can hurt so much?
And what happens when the criticism is directed not only at us personally, but at the Jewish people and Israel?
This Shabbat we read the portions of Matot and Masei and conclude the book of Bamidbar.
The Jewish people stood at one of the greatest moments in their history.
After forty years in the wilderness, they were finally preparing to enter the Promised Land.
But before crossing the Jordan River, the tribes of Reuven and Gad, who possessed enormous flocks, approached Moshe with an unexpected request.
The fertile land on the eastern side of the Jordan was ideal for their livestock, and they asked permission to settle there instead of receiving territory inside the Land of Israel.
Moshe's response was immediate and fierce. "Shall your brothers go to war while you remain here? Why would you discourage the hearts of the Children of Israel?"
For ten verses, Moshe rebukes them with extraordinary intensity.
Throughout this entire rebuke, something remarkable happens.
They say... nothing.
Not a single interruption.
Only after Moshe finishes speaking do they calmly reply:
"We have no intention of abandoning our brothers. We will fight alongside every tribe until the Land has been conquered. Only afterward will we return to our families."
Moshe immediately accepts their proposal.
Which raises an obvious question.
If this had been their intention from the very beginning, why didn't they interrupt Moshe after his very first sentence?
Why allow him to continue rebuking them for ten full verses?
Up All Night
A beautiful Chassidic story answers this question.
The Chiddushei HaRim raised his orphaned grandson, the future Sfas Emes, one of the greatest Torah scholars of the nineteenth century.
As a young boy, the Sfas Emes would often spend entire nights immersed in Torah study.
One morning, after learning almost the whole night, he fell asleep shortly before dawn and arrived late for prayers.
His grandfather noticed.
After services, the Chiddushei HaRim lovingly, but firmly, rebuked his grandson.
He explained at length the importance of discipline, rising early, overcoming laziness, and greeting each day with enthusiasm to serve Hashem.
The young Sfas Emes stood silently.
He never interrupted.
He never explained that he had been awake all night learning Torah.
A friend who had studied with him asked afterward,
"Why didn't you simply tell your grandfather the truth? One sentence would have ended the entire rebuke."
The young Sfas Emes gave an unforgettable answer.
"To hear words of rebuke from my saintly grandfather is a once-in-a-lifetime privilege. Why would I want to lose such an opportunity? Every word he spoke could help me become a better person."
Then the Sfas Emes pointed to our Torah portion.
That, he explained, is exactly why the tribes of Reuven and Gad remained silent.
They understood that listening to the words of Moshe Rabbeinu was itself a tremendous blessing.
Even though they knew he had misunderstood them.
Even though they could have defended themselves immediately.
They chose first to listen.
Because hearing words of truth from a great teacher is never a loss.
It is a gift.
Why is it hard for us? Why do so many of us jump at the first criticism we hear? Why do we implode or explode when someone criticizes us?
There are two reasons, and they are really interconnected: insecurity and arrogance, which often stems from insecurity.
Often when a wife says, "Why did you do this," what her husband hears is not "I am wondering why you did this," but a much harsher message: You are worthless. You never get it right. In her criticism, he hears not a comment on a specific issue, but rather a judgment on his core value.
This usually has nothing to do with the one criticizing but with the one being criticized, with his or her own projections.
When I feel deep down that I am worthless, then I hear everything in that context.
When someone tells me, "you are wrong," or "you could have really done it better," what I may be hearing, consciously or unconsciously, is: "I am a mistake. I am always wrong. I can never get anything right. I am a born loser."
No wonder I implode, or explode. It is too much to handle.
The first thing to know is that you matter absolutely. G-d loves you. And His love is unconditional.
You must always remember that your performance never determines your value.
Your core is not shaped by what other people say or think.
Your soul, your identity, is a fragment of the Divine, and hence has inherent, unshakable, non-negotiable, and absolute value which can never be destroyed.
When other people's comments about you and to you do not define the value of your existence, then you need not fear criticism.
When you have a solid core, you can listen gracefully to criticism.
Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a person's growth without destroying his roots.
The second condition to appreciate criticism, in addition to that recognition of your immutable self-worth, is humility.
I must always possess the awareness that I am not there yet. There is so much more to learn, and so much more to grow.
This combination, true inner confidence coupled with a yearning to grow and humility, allows you to cherish and celebrate critique.
So next time your wife says, "How could you do this?" before getting upset, go to the mirror and say: I am good. I am fine. G-d loves me. I am wholesome. No one can destroy me. And then you will usually come to appreciate and grow from the criticism.
You might even learn that your wife never meant to cut you down. She perhaps assumes that you are confident enough, and is simply having a conversation with you.
And just like the members of the tribe of Reuven and Gad, you will look forward to critique.
Just a couple of days ago, Iran threw 8 political activists in prison for a total of 127 years, just for criticizing the government on social media. This is how Iran deals with criticism.
At her core, Israel is indomitable, no matter what her enemies throw at her.
The Guardian of Israel will not sleep or slumber, and nothing can ever change that.
Let us offer thanks to G-d for the extraordinary miracles in Israel over the last two weeks and pray that our people remain safe, and that the Almighty grants Israel's leaders the resolve to make the right choices and the resolve to see them through.
Shabbat Shalom, Chazak, Chazak, Venitchazek,
Alvin Lee wrote...