A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Random guy turns to a couple and says: You guys are a bit negative.
Couple: Yeah! But two negatives make a positive.
There is fascinating teaching in the Talmud:
Whoever partakes of the wedding meal of a bridegroom and does not bring them joy, forfeits 'the five voices' mentioned in the verse: The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that say, Give thanks to the Lord of Hosts.
And if he does rejoice with him what is his reward? He is privileged to acquire [the knowledge of] the Torah which was given with five voices. By bringing joy to a bride and a groom, which Jeremiah described in five voices, we merit the wisdom of the Torah which was also transmitted via five voices.
But this does not seem to make sense. What is the connection between the two? Also, what are these voices, or sounds? And why five?
Is it possible that an idea introduced to our world only in 1995 was being intimated in the Talmud 1700 years earlier?
Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage therapist.
After many years of counseling, it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” He heard this pattern over and over again. He noticed that the trust, passion, excitement in so many relationships have eroded because deep down there was a lack of love. So, he went through 12 years of notes that he had made when counseling couples and asked the question: When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into 5 categories. He called them the 5 love languages; five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
· Words of Affirmation
· Spending Quality Time
· Giving Gifts
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. If your husband’s, or wife’s, love language consists of words of affirmation it is literally like oxygen for him or her to get these words.
But sometimes I may not realize how much my spouse needs this language, I do not realize that for my spouse these words can be a lifesaver for the trust and love in this relationship.
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
"You look sharp in that suit."
"You look incredible in that dress! Wow!"
"I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work."
"You always make me laugh."
“You are such an amazing source of inspiration.”
“I am so moved to see your kindness.”
“I so appreciate how hard your work for our family.”
“Your wisdom is so penetrating. It is amazing to talk to you.”
Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
But there is another love language that people have. Quality time. By "quality time," we mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend the time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention — not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me." And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
But what of the person who says, "I'm not a gift-giver. I didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn't come naturally for me." Congratulations, you have just made the first discovery in love. You and your spouse speak different love languages. Now that you have made that discovery, get on with the business of learning your second language. If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, you want to become a gift-giver.
For you, it may not mean that much, but for the other, it may mean the world.
For some, their love language consists of "acts of service." By acts of service, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.
We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
Is it not, then, fascinating, that the Torah described marriage as consisting of “five voices.” A good marriage is comprised of all five voices. The Torah is also given in “five voices.” The giving of the Torah was a marriage—between the Creator and creation. How do we marry G-d? How is it possible for two completely separate worlds to meet? This is where the “voices”; the only way to reach out across infinity to truly connect with another, to initiate any relationship, is through the extraordinary gift of communication. And, just as in a marriage, there are “five love languages,” five voices that make up the body of Judaism.
To a remarkable degree, the above modes of communication may be found within Judaism as well.
The most literal language of love, the most obvious mode of expression, is words. Some might say that “talk is cheap.” The awesome power of the spoken word is beyond dispute. When King Solomon, the wisest of all men, declared in Proverbs that “Life and death are in the hands of the tongue.” And he knew what he was talking about. The Talmud explains that a negative word can be even more dangerous than the sword; the sword, after all, can only hurt a person at close range, while a few disparaging remarks can destroy a person, or an entire group of people, from afar. After all, G-d brought the entire cosmos into being with just a few utterances! G-d created the world with words; we, too, can build people with words, and we can destroy them with words.
Where do we find this kind of verbal affirmation in Jewish practice? Where don’t we find it? Judaism is all about expressing thanks and affirming gratitude. We have an entire prayer – Hallel – that serves to do just that. And what about the countless blessings we recite through the day? When we wake, we offer the simplest, purest prayer of all – Modeh Ani – thank you, G-d, for giving my soul back to me for another day. It is amazing. G-d, in His infinite presence, desired a genuine relationship with each of us. And hence, he made Himself “vulnerable” in that relationship. He wants us and therefore he needs us. So what is true in our relationship with our spouse, is true in our relationship with G-d. G-d appreciates our “words of affirmation.” They mean the world to Him.
Expressing love doesn’t have to entail saying something, or even doing something. Some people just want to spend quality time with their partner. This, too, is a cornerstone of Judaism. G-d loves spending time with you.
The Rebbe explained: “G-d says, give me only five minutes of your day. But those five minutes should belong only to Me!”
This is the very concept of Shabbat. G-d wants to spend “quality time” with us. But it is more. Judaism encourages us to take these kinds of “quality time” opportunities on a much more frequent basis. The mitzvah of Torah study, just like the daily prayers, are intended to afford exactly that kind of opportunity. Each day, we take time to spend time with G-d.
Many people also need more tangible expressions of love. Their love language is giving and receiving gifts. In Temple times, some sacrifices were simply described as a “gift”. G-d, in His absolute perfection, desired to receive gifts. It means the world to Him. When it comes to the humble flour offering the Torah speaks of the “soul who brings a meal offering to the Lord.” Why, here, does the Torah use the word “soul” instead of the expected “person”? Rashi explains:
Who usually donates a meal-offering? A poor man [because flour is less expensive than birds or animals]. [Hence,] the Holy One, says: “I account if for him as if he has sacrificed his very soul!”
The point is not how much he gives, but that he wants to give. Today we continue to give gifts to G-d through giving charity. When you give ten percent of your earnings to charity, these are all “gifts” that demonstrate the important place that G-d and Judaism occupy in your heart and minds.
There is yet another kind of love language. Giving gifts is wonderful. Some people, however, especially appreciate when a spouse actually does something for them. In Judaism, we have a concept called Avodah, which literally means “acts of service.” In Temple times, the “avoda” represented the concept of sacrifice, and until today it represents the sacrifices that we do for the sake of truth and G-d.
This is perhaps most evident in the loving parent feels towards their child: As, the psychologist Alison Gopnik has observed, “It’s not so much that we care for children because we love them as that we love them because we care for them.”
This aspect of sacrifice is, of course, central to the life of a Jew. It is the work of prayer, self- refinement, self-discipline, inner work, and various sacrifices we make for G-d.
Finally, we come to the crucial language of physical touch. Even holding hands, or an embrace can be an electrifying communicator of love.
This is the awesome power of physical touch. A person can have everything, gifts to fill rooms, and service to provide anything they want, but if their spouse is physically distant, it can feel as though they have nothing in their marriage.
Likewise, the importance of the physical dimension receives central billing within Judaism, with its constant focus on the physical performance of Mitzvot. The Eastern religions focus much on meditation, reflection, and mindfulness. Judaism dedicates much space to mindfulness. But in Judaism, there is a major focus on physical actions, in the physical world as the Mitzvah of Tefillin. The same is true with eating matzah, blowing the shofar, giving charity, lighting Shabbat candles and fixing a mezuzah on your door.
What are these about? G-d in His infinity wanted to have a “tangible” relationship with Him. But how can we “touch” the Divine? So G-d gave us the 613 Mitzvot through which we “touch G-d.”
Just a healthy marriage relies on the five languages of love – affirmation, time, giving, service, and touch – so does the momentous marriage of the Jewish people with G-d find fulfillment in five languages of divine connection – in words of affirmation, the quality time of Shabbat, Torah study and prayer, the giving gifts to the poor, the service and sacrifice, and the physicality of Mitzvot.
In 1991, a Jew from Worcester visited the Rebbe. He lamented that his 88-year-old father was old and sick and now he could not go to synagogue anymore, which was his last joy. He now felt lonely and worthless. What could he do for his father?
And the Rebbe, who was 89 at the time, responded:
Every time a Jew does a Mitzvah he generates a delight in G-d. Imagine! A mortal, small, finite human being performing a single deed has an impact on G-d Himself. So every time your father does any mitzvah—like putting on tefillin or giving charity—he is achieving the most extraordinary feat! He is causing pleasure to G-d.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yoseph Geisinsky
Tom Peacock wrote...