A great Jerusalem Rabbi comes to a town. A Jewish couple comes to see him. "It has been many years since our marriage, and we are not yet blessed with any children. Please pray for us."
"I'm sorry to hear this," says the Rabbi. "Let me write down your names and mother's name on this piece of paper and when I return to Jerusalem, I will place it in the Kotel (Western Wall) for a special blessing."
"Thank you very much, rabbi," they say.
Five years later, the Rabbi returns to the same town. Walking in the street, he meets the woman. "So how are things?" He asks her. "Any good news?"
"Well rabbi, your prayers were answered. That note in the wall worked! We are now blessed with 11 children!"
In five years? Asks the Rabbi.
"Yes," says the woman. "We have one pair of twins and three sets of triplets."
"Mazel Tov," says the Rabbi. "That is incredible. Wow. I would also like to wish your husband Mazel Tov and give him a big hug. Where is he?"
"He's currently in Jerusalem, rabbi," replies the wife.
"How nice," says the Rabbi. "So tell me, what's he doing there? Is he on business?"
"No." So why is he there?
"He went to the Kotel, to the Wall, to look for the note and take it out..."
What are the oldest biblical text archeologists have discovered? It was a small portion of this week's Torah portion, Naso, the Priestly Blessings, found in a burial cave in 1979. It was a monumental discovery that disproved the famed German Bible Critic.
What is the secret behind the Priestly Blessings? Why have Jewish parents been blessing their children for three millennia with these words? Why did G-d choose this precise text as the medium of blessing to our people? Why do the priests bless our people every single day, 365 days a year, with these blessings? And why are these blessings the first thing we learn in Torah every morning? If G-d gave you an opportunity before you left this world to give your children three blessings, would you choose this text?
In many Jewish communities, fathers bless their children with these blessings every Friday evening, before the Shabbat meal. It is a special moment in the home, a powerfully moving tradition, and one can see the spark in the child’s eye, as his or her father places his hands on their heads and in a silent tone says:
“Yevarechecha.."May G-d bless you and protect you.”
“Yaer Hashem...” “May G-d shine His face upon you and give you grace.”
“Yisa Hashem...” “May G-d lift up His face toward you and grant you peace.”
It was the eve on Yom Kippur 1945, a few months after the Second World War was over. The Klausenberger Rebbe, who lost a wife and 11 children in Auschwitz, staying in a German DP camp, was preparing himself for the holiest day. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. A young girl came in and said, "Rebbe, I do not have a father anymore. No one will be able to bless me before Yom Kippur."
As we recall, it is an ancient Jewish custom that every father blesses his children on Yom Kippur Eve, before “Kol Nidrei.” It is one of the most moving and meaningful Jewish experiences: On the holiest night of the year, a father puts his hands on the heads of his kids and blesses them.
But that year, so many children were left without parents. So this girl came to the Rebbe saying, I have no father to bless me and I want somebody to bless me.
The Rebbe put his hands on her holy head and blessed her the way a father blesses his daughter on the eve of Yom Kippur. With tears in his eyes, he told her how precious she was, what a gift she was, how much he was praying for her bright future.
"Yivarechicha..." May G-d bless you and protect you. "Yaer…" May He shine His countenance upon you and give you grace. "Yisa…Shalom." May He lift you up and grant you peace.
Five minutes later there was another knock on the door. It was another girl, again without a father, again with no one to bless her before Yom Kippur. Again the Rebbe went through the same routine. He put his hands upon her head, and he blessed her the way a father blesses his daughter.
This repeated itself again and again. The orphans kept on coming and the Rebbe attended to each of them, as though he was their father. That eve of Yom Kippur, the Rebbe blessed over eighty orphaned girls… He placed his hands on each of them and gave them the love, the undivided attention, the confidence children yearn for so deeply.
What is the secret behind these blessings? Why have Jewish parents been blessing their children for three millennia with these words? Why did G-d choose this precise text as the medium of blessing to our people?
Everything you purchase today comes with a manual, so you know how to use it best, and what to avoid most. “Careful. Do not place on a radiator; do not expose to moisture.” From a washing machine to a flashlight, from an iPhone to a game of Monopoly—everything comes with an instruction booklet.
There is one exception: Children.
Wouldn’t it have been nice if each child came with an instruction manual—how to handle his or her moods, struggles, and disposition?
When it comes to kids, we got to figure it out all on our own. And usually, by the time we figure it out, it’s too late!
The Torah is the Divine instruction manual for life. It tells us how to navigate all aspects of life. Yet, the most difficult and important task of life is raising children. Is there an instruction manual within it for parenting?
As it turns out, the Torah does grant us such a manual, and it consists of three short verses, comprised of fifteen words. It is the briefest parenting manual to ever have been written, but it contains the seeds of everything you need to know. These are the three verses of the priestly blessings recorded above.
That may be one reason we recite these blessings each morning as the first Torah text we study each day. Every single day we must refresh ourselves with the Divine parenting manual conveyed in these blessings, probably the most important manual in the world, for on it depends on the future of civilization and the Jewish tomorrow.
This can be gleaned from the intriguing blessing the sages instituted to be recited by the priests before blessing the Jews.
What blessing does the Kohen recite? “Blessed are you Almighty G-d.. to bless His nation Israel with love.”
This is a strange blessing. Before each mitzvah we recite a blessing in order to be mindful before we perform the mitzvah; yet we do not say, for example, “to put on tefilin with love;” “to light Shabbat candles with love;” “to eat matzah with love;” etc. Why is this blessing different than all other blessings?
The Alter Rebbe, explains that there is a deeper meaning to the blessing. Not only should they recite the priestly blessings with love, but much more than that: G-d commanded us to bless His nation Israel with the gift of love!” Their duty is to give the Jewish people the gift of love.
If G-d is our father, it means that these blessings which He gives us are the paradigmatic blessings each father and mother want to bring to their children’s lives. These Priestly Blessings, then, are a manual of how to love your child and bless his or her life.
It is the ultimate parental guide, the Torah’s guide to parenting.
Step One: Bless and Protect your Child
May G-d bless you and protect you.
A blessing has two meanings:
A) to increase and grow something.
B) To actualize a and draw forth a preexisting potential. What is the first function of parenting? It is the fundamental obligation of parenthood: To build up a child's physical strength, by feeding them; to build up their emotional strength by giving them love, resilience, and fortitude; to build up their intellectual strength through education; to build up their moral strength by helping them to discern right from wrong; to build their own power to provide one day for their own families by giving them the tools to succeed.
A parent's second duty is to actualize your child’s potential; to draw it forth from a state of potentiality into reality. You want to help your child discover and realize his or her powers, virtues, talents, resources, and gifts, helping them to become a source of light and blessing for themselves and others.
Once upon a time, there were two neighbors living next to each other. One of them was a retired teacher and another was an insurance agent. Both of them had planted different plants in their garden. The retired teacher was giving a small amount of water to his plants and didn’t always give full attention to them, while the other neighbor interested in technology, had given a lot of water to his plants.
The retired teacher’s plants were simple but looked good. The insurance agent’s plants were much fuller and greener. One day, during the night, there was heavy rain and powerful winds due to a storm. The next morning, both of the neighbors came out to inspect the damage to their garden. The neighbor who was an insurance agent saw that his plants came off from the roots and were totally destroyed. But, the retired teacher’s plants were not damaged at all and were standing firm.
The insurance agent neighbor was surprised to see it, he went to the retired teacher and asked, “We both grew the same plants together, I actually looked after my plants better than you did for yours, and even gave them more water. Still, my plants came off from the roots, while yours didn’t. How is that possible?”
The retired teacher smiled and said, “You gave your plants more attention and water, but because of that they didn’t need to work themselves for it. You made it easy for them. While I gave them just an adequate amount of water and let their roots search for more. And, because of that, their roots went deeper and that made their position stronger. That is why my plants survived”.
Step one: This fundamental obligation of "May G-d bless you and protect you.”
Parents are given the duty to protect their children, to ensure their safety in every possible way, physical, emotional, and moral. We are obliged to be the protectors of our children’s wellbeing.
We must also protect our children from abuse, in all forms. We must teach them about boundaries that may never be violated, and how to react if they are. We must give them the confidence to always share with us their experiences. We must also ensure our own marriages are still respectful and loving for these are major factors that provide protection and a safety net for children.
Step Two: Smile at Your Child
“May G-d shine His face upon you and give you grace.”
The next dimension of parenting is to shine your face upon your child and give him or her grace.
This is the blessing and gift parents want to give to each of their children: To smile at them, to just enjoy them, just from seeing them. You want your child to feel that his or her very existence makes you smile and brightens up your life.
When your child observes that when he or she walks into the room, your face lights up, it makes all the difference.
Step Three: Don’t Avert Your Gaze
“May G-d lift up His face toward you and grant you peace.”
There's a third kind of love, and it appears in the third verse. It is the most challenging form of affection. Once you have invested your child with compassion, once you have spent years bestowing grace upon your child, giving them unconditional love now you are finally in a position to be able to offer a third kind of love.
There are two kinds of ways to meet the gaze of your child: vertical and horizontal. The first one, “May G-d shine His face upon you,” is vertical, top-down love. It is when I gaze at my child vertically. I, the parent, stand above; the child stands below. My child is young, cute, adorable, defenseless, immature, and infinitely delicious. And I love him or her to pieces. It is a top-down love, with no conditions or strings attached. Even if your child is a troublemaker, and has just turned your home upside-down, he is still adorable.
But then your little cute angel grows up. Suddenly, he is taller than you. He’s going to the gym, building his muscles, and he’s stronger than you. He’s not anymore that little child whom you lifted on your shoulder and took to bed screaming and crying. He's no more that kid whom you promised an ice-cream or slurpy,—and all was well. Now, alas, this little angel of yours has grown up, and he has his own opinions about things, and they are very different than yours.
Now you must also gaze at your child. But it is far more difficult. It is no longer a vertical gaze from top to bottom; it must develop into a horizontal gaze.
let G-d lift up His face to you. But why is G-d's face downcast? Why does He have to lift His face?
May G-d lift up His face to you means, may he conquer His anger.
How did this happen? Why did G-d get angry?
In parenting, this represents the moment when your child becomes a distinct and independent individual, who can choose just like the parent can choose. When I become aware of my child’s independence, it can become emotionally difficult. It is easy to love unconditionally the defenseless baby, toddler, or child; but now my little one is not so little; he or she is making their own decisions. Do I know how to let go?
No matter whatever choices your child makes at the moment, never take your eyes off him or her. You must remain forever connected. Do not let go of your child at this moment. This is the moment, he/she needs you most.
Sometimes, he makes a decision you know is wrong but you can’t change it at the moment. Whatever the case, you never take those eyes off him or her!
This is the third blessing G-d gives us. When we make choices and they are not, perhaps, the choices that G-d would have wanted us to make, we say: “may You—G-d—lift up Your face!” As Rashi says: “conquer your anger!”
This is a manual for us. This is the third blessing and gift we give our children. I may be angry at my child. Unconditional love does not mean uncritical love. I may disagree with your decision; I may have wished you chose a different path. But I may not allow that anger to cut the chords between us.
What gives me the strength to accept a child's separateness, whether that separateness is good or, even, sometimes, when it's not very good? The answer is the past. I can remember all those good times and draw strength from them to give them one last gift: the gift of peace. It's the greatest gift that a parent can give.
A young boy once left his home. He was abused in school, in camp, and in other places. He had loving parents, but they did not know how to deal with his trauma. They gave him lots of love, but he was hurt too badly. At 16 the boy left home. He wandered and wandered. He needed to go find himself.
The parents could not find out where he was. They searched, they prayed, they inquired, but to no avail. The boy just disappeared. He had to go out to find some solace, comfort, and healing.
One day, five years later, the boy suddenly showed up in his home. No prior warnings. He just walked into the home.
As he enters the kitchen, he smells the most delicious, beloved fragrant of his youth: mom’s hot cinnamon buns. He grew up on these buns, and you all know, when they are hot, they have that special magical effect on our taste buds. He loved these buns and his mom knew it. As the boy hugged his mother, he asked her: Mom, how did you know to bake these cinnamon buns today, out of all days? What a welcome home treat for me? How did you know?
And the mother, embracing her child, said: I did not know. But I have been baking these buns every single day since you left, hoping that this day might be the day you will come back home, and I wanted you to feel the warmth and the love we always have for you in this home. Every day I waited for you my dear son.
I want to suggest something. If you don't bless your children on the eve of Yom Kippur, on Friday nights, or any other time regularly, consider doing so. Consider using these precious words of the priestly blessings, and bestowing them upon your child. Children love it. They're so delighted to be blessed by their parents.
As your child comes over to you, use those few moments to think about these three kinds of parental love and ask yourself, at this stage in my child's life, which one of those kinds does this child need most? Do they need to be built up? Do they need to be guarded? Maybe they need a smile that says I'm just so delighted by having you in my life. Maybe they need to see more unconditional love, without expectations and strings attached. Or maybe they need peace. Maybe they need me to pick up their chin, to look them in the eye and to tell them that I can go forward with them in love, even when they've chosen differently than I have?
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yoseph Geisinsky
Tom Peacock wrote...